I can do it.. I can do it.. These were the words flooding my mind.. While my heart beated like the beat of drums.. An overwhelming sense of fear spreading inside me.. Filling my interiors…at this moment I had no realization of my conscious external live surrounding.. I felt I was in a vegetative state. But I kept going, kept doing what I was doing, what I am supposed to do, I reminded myself there is a reward, reward that I call sometimes as the momentary happiness, that will make me alive.
Over a weekend.. I was strolling on my terrace.. My heart anxious.. With unambiguous racing thoughts..in that moment of clutter.. I saw the first flowery blossom of the huge champak tree that embrace my house terrace. These flowers are known for their vibrant yellow appearance and enchanting fragrance. I pulled the branch closer, stared at the flower and sniffed the fragrance from my nostril pushing down to my soul. At that moment I wanted to pluck it, keep it with me, it belonged to me. But suddenly a thought flashed my mind, this first creation of blissfulness will wither someday whether attached to its core or removed from it. Similar my fears are the first blossom of uncertainity that life has bestowed upon me, i should not detach it from myself instead let it wither within my core. And like the life cycle of a blossomed to withered flower on a tree, the life cycle of pain always has a story to tell. And the flower remained on the branch and the only thing I plucked that day was the lesson it taught me.
A short paragraph from the anxiety diaries of Rain Alchemist